The Mind of A Beautiful Chaos

Almost Lover

2011-12-11T22:05:00.001-08:00

Not good enough to be loved completely by you.

Social Networking Hiatus..sort of..

2011-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

I call myself taking a break from Facebook and Twitter this week because I was in a pretty bad mood and some of the feelings that I have been feeling do not belong on the news feed of Facebook nor on the timeline of my followers on Twitter. Not that I have many followers or friends on either site, but nevertheless I felt I should take precautions. Some people are only interested in you or I should say interested in being nosy when you are going thru some serious issues in life.
I really don't feel like being criticized by people who one don't know and two have NO idea about what the hell I am talking about but still has the nerve to give me their opinion
I needed to vent so that is kind of how I ended up on this website. I really wish I blogged more often but sometimes I can't sit still long enough to get my thoughts together well enough to put on here. I wish I could just type with my brain that would be so cool. Lol.

You know two things I am realizing as I get older. Greed is contagious and people are thirsty for things they should not have. I need to separate myself from it. Anyways I gotta go..I am at work and I just needed a quick vent. Later..Smooches

Life as we know it

2011-04-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

I have no words to describe how or what has passed since the last time I blogged. Pain.... is a word that comes to my mind. I am in a lot of pain. Physical and mental pain...constant. Approximately a month ago, I lost my father. I have not even accepted this as a truth yet in my mind. As I type these words, I still do not believe this to be true. However, it has happened. I went to the funeral and he was cremated. I held the ashes of what was left of him in this world in my hands. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this loss. Death is one of those things that you know is a part of life but you never know how real it is until it has touched your life. I havent stopped living . I continue to wake up every morning, eat meals, go to work, shower, and even breathe. I live my life as if everything is normal. Its the only way I know how. Breaking down is not an option but I feel like its the only option at times. I am pretending to be okay but inside I am battling this ocean of emotions that are preparing to burst out of me and set siege to everything around me. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on with my life or go to church build my relationship with God.. I have no answers for them for they have no idea what I feel or nor can they ever understand. He was my teacher, my role model, and my friend. Now I have nothing. And I feel empty. I miss you so much, dad. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I dont want to be haunted by your memory because I can't accept your death. Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing. I love you. Now and forever.

Just A Girl

2011-01-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

Just a girl...just an ordinary girl. Yeah, thats me. I haven't blogged in months. Mostly due to the fact that I did not have a reliable internet connection. But thankfully I do now and I also had forgotten what my gmail password was for quite a while. Luckily, I hacked back into my own account. So everything worked out somehow.

Life. I've been working for this company, that I am going to leave nameless, for the past six months. It has been the most trying experience of my life. I have never worked for a company that is so painfully unorganized and dysfunctional. It is maddening at times but somehow Ive held on to my sanity and havent quit or gotten fired...yet. I am still living with my brother which is also becoming tiresome and painful. If all works out as I planned, I will be moving into my own apartment in the beginning of March. Pray for me. This move will be a significant moment in the history of my life.

It will be a moment of definition and clarity for me and it will dictate my future thereafter. Family is good. No one is sick or dying. Friends are still around and still loving me and taking care of my emotional needs. Love Life... Blah..Lol. I dont know. I am not sure if I believe in love anymore. Everyone I seem to feel this emotion called love for turns into something that isnt what it appeared to be from the beginning or just something out of my reach. Unattainable by any means and that is the worst kind of love to have. I still havent went back to school yet. Due to my own lack of drive, but I've been thinking about it more and more. And I do believe I will finally suck it up and finish and get my BS in Accounting. It is one topic that I find enjoyable and can stomach. Hopefully, school will settle well with me and not make me sick with anxiety and overwhelm me.

Bed is calling me. I have an early morning and a long day. So I will leave you with this.... give only to those who give back and dream outside of the lines. Good night.

Heartbroken...

2010-05-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

U broke my heart. Now I have to pick up the pieces. Thanks.

Lately

2010-05-01T15:02:00.001-07:00

I haven't really gotten a chance to blog lately. I was having technical difficulties with my internet connection and the one I have right now is pretty shaky. Unfortunately, even though I have not been blogging. Life has continued moving and a lot of not so good and good things have occurred. But I am not going to get into any of that presently. This was just a quick entry to let my readers (whoever you may be) know that I am still here. I will be adding new entries as soon as my brain sorts them out. I look forward to reading comments....Ciao!

Take that

2010-03-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

Sitting alone allowing the silence to envelop me.
I can't let anyone see me sitting here so silently.
The fear od being found out is so intensely frightening.
The truth of being me isnt always easy.
I can't always be honest not even with myself.
Because when I do what I see is scary and
hardly the person I want to be
Light is replaced with darkness
so black so complete
nothing can be seen beyond it
emotion is no longer felt
and pain can't be expressed

Brick by Boring Brick

2010-03-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

Anger courses through me like a runaway train,
I cant identify the source of my furiousity,
but whatever it is impairing my ability to see
or feel anything clearly
i just want to scream but
when i open my mouth nothing comes out
and no one can hear me
music blasts in my ears
no one can tell from my blank stare
that I am in a completely different place
somewhere i can't be touched
awakening from my musical fantasy
is the worst possible agony
my one moment of sanity
stripped away and now back to my insanity
the truth is living is worse than dying
in death you feel no more pain
no longer are you controlled by your brain
I feel that my mentality is challenged by my insanity
but i dont feel like i can be free

Failure

2009-12-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like a failure. I never try. I don't try things because I am afraid to fail and I know that I will fail. I know that is not a good attitude to have but it has been mine for so long. It's hard for me to accept anything else. I just feel like what's the point of doing anything.
I have job interview at Sheppard Pratt hospital in the morning. That I probably will end up not showing up for, why? Because its too hard. I am not going to get the job so why even try??

No one understands my thought patterns. No one understand me.

I just need a break. I need a break from my insanity. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and a normal mindframe.

I don't want to be me....

Anyone but me.

Relationships..

2009-11-14T18:38:00.001-08:00

What are the point of relationships in life? A relationship is supposed to be an emotional connection between you and another person. Right? Then why do they tend to be so stressful and annoying? Is it really worth all the effort and time you put into them? It seems to me no matter what relationship you are in, there is a percentage of time where you and that other person will be in some sort of conflict or argument. This time period is liable to drive one or both people out of their minds. Its true that you have some type of affection and feelings for this person. But during that period all of that emotion for that person goes out the window. You get to the point where you just want to strangle the life out of the person.

I mean you would never actually do this but you definitely consider it for a few moments. I guess what I am getting at is in any relationship,the moments of happiness are so few and far apart, you begin to wonder. If something is going to cause you more pain and grief than happiness. Why do we put up with it?

Who knows?

No One is Perfect...

2009-11-13T18:01:00.000-08:00

I know I am not perfect and I have never considered myself to be so, but what really irritates me are self righteous, narrow minded, arrogant individuals. I hate people who feel they have the right to judge others when they have no idea who that person is or what they have been through. I just think in the times we are living in now, no one can be too judgmental. We live in an age where you are FREE to be whoever or whatever you want to be.

So who are you to tell anyone what is right or wrong. Who has that power except maybe other than GOD.

I think those who let themselves be misled by their own small mindedness. they will never enjoy the beautiful significant things in life. And life is way to short to let pass you by.

Your Letter-112

2009-11-03T22:18:00.001-08:00

"It said you loved me but you didn't know the words to say,
It said you never knew that you could ever feel this way"

Yeah, that is how I am feeling right now. I took it back to 112. Recently, I have found myself fascinated with a lot of great dead 'legends'. It is amazing how many truly talented individuals have died this year alone, leaving the mark on the world forever imprinted. Michael Jackson being one of the most recent notable people to have passed on. I remember when I first heard the news of Mr. Jackson's death. I didn't know how I felt, I was sad. But I think I was in shock for a few day until I saw everything on television. Then and only then did I realize he was really gone.

I cried for hours watching videos of him and listening to interviews. Michael Jackson was 30 years older than I am now and probably has experienced so many incredible things in his life. I knew about him but I never KNEW about him. If you know what I mean, I feel like I deprived myself of the most precious knowledge and experience by not letting myself explore who Michael Jackson truly was and forever will be.

He was a person who loved people so much and all he wanted was to do what he loved. I know that I never knew Michael Jackson and he had absolutely no idea who I am. I just wish I could of reached out and helped him. I know that sounds crazy because I have no idea what I could possibly do to help him. But I just felt the strongest desire to help,,,to guide him. I feel like the people in his life didn't help him the way he needed to be helped.

I find solace in the knowledge that now that Michael has passed on that no one can bother him anymore. No one can follow him everywhere he goes and he can sing and dance and do what he loved to do for eternity. I hope there is a life after death for Michael because he deserves it more than anyone else. He can finally have a normal life, free from ridicule and criticism and pain. That is my one wish for him. May he rest in peace and live forever in our minds and hearts.

Sunshine

2009-10-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

Sunshine, you've come into my life at the right time.
Your warmth courses throughout my body
you touch my soul with your words and fill my heart with so much happiness
I never thought I could feel this way
you always know the right words to say
to make all my sadness go away
I think God made you just for me
to always shine light in my darkness
so i can see
Giving me strength when I am weak
Holding me close when life seems bleak
O sunshine, please keep shining on me
you are the center of my small world
your a daily inspiration for me to be my best
unlike the rest, you always supporting me
however long my time on this earth may be
Know this my
sunshine, i will love you constantly

Leave Me Alone....

2009-10-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

Do you think its possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I don't. I believe it is definitely possible to love two people at the same time, but you can only be IN love with one person at a time. So if you find yourself in that situation, you are probably aware of who each person is whether your willing to admit it or not.
Currently, I have no idea who I am in that category. I am loved. But I don't know if anyone is in love with me.

Time will tell. People change. Rain falls. Sun shines. Life goes on.

Finding Balance

2009-10-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like my moods have been fluctuating dramatically lately. One day I will feel completely upbeat and happy then literally the following day I will feel the complete opposite. I don't know why that is as far as I know I have no medical reason to be feeling this way. I personally think my problem is that I think way too much about things and let myself dwell on the things in my life I can't do anything to change.

I worry a lot. About everyone. Friends, family, random strangers. and I find myself being morbid. Thinking about death and how much time I have left on the earth. I know that is a part of life but I know its not something you should sit and dwell on either. So I have been trying to find some type of balance. That way I can deal better with my topsy turvy emotional rollercoaster and not be so blah some days. I know my moods effect the people around me as well as my goals I set for myself that day.

I am trying to be more positive and instead of concentrating so hard on the future and things I can't change immediately. I am taking it day by day, setting daily goals for myself. And when I accomplish them I feel a lot better about myself. I feel empowered and strong. I know I am capable of anything. I just need to keep thinking that way and I will be successful.

Weekend..

2009-10-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am going to reflect on my weekend. My old best friend from Hagerstown came to visit me. At first, I was kind of dreading her visit because we haven't really hung out in a long time. And have drifted apart. I mean we are living completely different lives. She is married and has one child while I am single and still act like a child (lol). But I realize that although her life is different, we still have some of the same insecurities and fears about life. It was refreshing to spend time with someone who i thought had changed so much to only see that things were still somewhat the same.

This has shown me no matter how much time, distance, life experience has passed by. People are still the same at the core. I mean you age and you go through tough times but your essence is still intact. Ha ha I am not sure that makes sense. It does to me though.

Well I had a pretty good weeekend. It was the first time in a long time, I didnt worry about anything or anyone. I put my issues and dramas aside and had a relaxing time. It was great.

Scattered Thoughts

2009-10-03T05:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself lost in thought? You know that your searching for something but it's like you just can't figure it out. I know its there but I just can't reach it yet. And you know how something makes perfect sense to you but to someone else it makes no sense at all....Yeah that's where I'm at right now, still at the drawing board.

My imperfections are so clear to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is that clear for others to see. I know that God made me. But for what purpose? I ask myself that question a lot lately. Spend hours upon hours thinking of reasons why. I can never find one to my satisfaction. I know I can make it to success. Sometimes it seems so difficult and unattainable. I refuse to fail but failure may be in my nature. How can you change something your not sure you are? That doesn't make sense to even me. So I know you don't understand my complexity. I am speaking in rhyme and yet I am not. Someone please save me.

Family.

2009-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

I love my family, they are the most random group of people to be put together on this planet. But I am blessed to be apart of this group of people. I feel so defined by them, it is crazy. Everything I have ever done, I have done in the shadow of my family. I am not going to say that I always did things they were proud of but who ever does?
I know one thing for sure that I would die for any member of my family. I would give my all to them. I would never take them forgranted or forsake them. My love for them is one of the only things in my life that I feel is sacred and pure.

Time to switch it Up

2009-10-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have noticed actually just today that all my blogs..well not all but most of my blogs have been emotionally geared towards one subject....my sucky love life. So I feel the need to discuss something other than love. Well, I have started on the path to re-enter school and hopefully in a few short months, I will be back in the classroom(behind the computer more like it). I know this isn't really a big deal because people do it everyday. But it is to me, I've been running for God knows what for the past three years and I just need to stand on solid ground for once. I've done a lot of things I regret to get to where I am today. Trust me I am not too happy where I am at all. The funny thing is I know I am capable of so many great things. I am not stupid in any way and I have opportunities. I just need to try and I haven't been. I can't even admit that to my parents but I am writing a blog for anyone to see or read. *Sighs*
Well basically what I am trying to say is that there is no time like the present. I am tired of being scared and helpless and allowing others to do for me. I am going to take my place in this terrifyingly big world and try to find who I am and where I belong. I just hope I like the person that I am 'supposed' to be. Anyone is better that what I have grown to be and I need change. That's 2009 is supposed to be all about Change. My girlfriend constantly says, 'be the change, you want to see in the world'. I guess I never really thought about it.
I guess all I can say now is wish me luck. I have quite a journey in front of me. I'll see you at the crossroads.

Sleepless

2009-10-01T01:54:00.000-07:00

I am awake at some ridiculous hour. I have so much on my mind right now. I can't even clearly explain it. There is so much I want out of life and I feel like I am not doing anything worthwhile. Why can't life be more like tv or movies? That would be cool or more hard. Who knows? I know one thing for sure, I don't want to look back on my life in ten years and be unhappy with the person who I am. I just want to be content and somewhat satisfied with the things I have accomplished. If that makes any sense, ahh well. I am going to try and sleep. Good night.

Self Destruction

2009-09-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am on a self destructive path and I can feel it coming closer to the point where I completely destroy my abilitty to fucking care about any other being. i feel like I am a fairly decent person and I deserve a certain quality of shit out of life. But it seems like I keep getting into these fucked up situations where I find my heart on a fucking cutting board and I am not the one holding the fucking knife. I don't know whats going to happen to me but I feel so fucking angry right now and I just want to scream and rant and rave. But what will it solve? What will it change? Not a damn thing... I should just stop while I still have some remnants of control over myself. But its so hard, how the fuck can I continue on this path.....

I am about to just say fuck it...

Random Poetry

2009-09-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes

tell me what you see

can you see me

because I see you

staring into my soul

filling the emptiness

making me whole

erasing the sadness

caused by the world

so many hurts & pains

can I make it rain

*****************

Some may think this is a simple love poem

but it is a declaration of my love for you

no longer does my heart have to roam

for I've found my match and its true

you have a smile that is unforgettable

I knew falling in love with you was inevitable

for years we've danced around the issue

till the day I finally had the nerve to kiss you

lips touching mine causing a disruption

of something we can not function

************************

THis is just some stuff I started to write and never finished. Enjoy.

Need

2009-09-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream but everytime I open my mouth, no sound comes out. I feel my heart about to burst and it seems like no one else can see it except me. I don't know why things can't be the way I want them to be. All she had to do was love me and be with me. Is that so hard? Apparently so, I try to put myself in her shoes, but I can't because I do not understand why anyone would want to be in that type of relationship. Why does she even need me, if she is so happy? I don't believe that if things were better that our relationship would of ever happened. Liessssssss, I hate lies. I just would much rather hear the truth even if it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.

I just want this to stop hurting me and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper. I am so alone and I shouldn't feel alone. I shouldn't be crying so often. i should be more happy. I am happy until I think about it. I wish I didnt need her to be there. I wish I didnt need her at all. Needing someone is one of the worse possible things that could happen to you. Its like being an addict, you can't get enough and its a burning feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your need gets so intense that it starts to cause you physical discomfort. You can't do anything to subside the pain. Your weak and helpless. How can someone have so complete and utter control over another? I just want it to end but I can't let go......I just can't.

Isn't it Ironic?

2009-09-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

It is absolutely without a doubt ironic. It seems to always work that way in life. You wait all your life to meet the love of your life or get the career of your life or have the biggest adventure of your life. It all ends up being one big disappointment. I speak from personal experience of course, that is all I can really speak from I guess. But I met the most beautiful, sweet, and loving person this past year. There were so many things wrong about the entire situation surrounding this person, it was crazy. Nevertheless, I was in love..head over heels in love. I don't know why I tortured myself by even allowing myselt to continue to grow closer to someone I know in my heart that I can never be with. I can never have a future with but yet I kept on spending time and making memories with this amazing person.

side note*** I hate my freaking phone, it just blacked out and probably erased all my shit in my phone...ughhhh

I can't even continue my thought. This will have to be continued at a later date. Cheers!

Death to Automated Services.

2009-09-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am not going to say I hate Tmobile. They have provided me with adequate phone service for the past two years and I am grateful. I am definitely a phone person and I do not know what I would do if I didn't have a cell phone. But T-mobile customer service??? Well I haven't had the best experiences dealing with them. My contract is up on September 15th 2009 which means I have the option of severing all ties with T-mobile and moving elsewhere. Or I can upgrade to a newer phone at a discounted price in exchange for extending my contract for two additional years.
Here is my problem with that, there are times when I am sitting in my house not underground or somewhere in the country with no telephone wires. But in my bedroom, located near lots of buildings, streets, and hopefully T-mobile towers. I will be sitting on my bed and have absolutely no service. I mean its not for a long time but the short span of time I am out of range or whatever become annoying. I don't think that should happen when you are in your home.
So then when you call to speak to a customer service representative, you have to jump through flaming hoops just to speak to a real person. Seriously, then the person you do get in contact with can't even speak proper English. Look, don't get me wrong I have nothing wrong with outsourcing or whatever it is called. But if your going to hire people from foreign countries to handle people's inquiries. then pleaaaaaaseee let them speak clear and fluent English because I hate asking people to repeat themselves over and over. I am pretty sure that the customer service representative doesn't like repeating what they have been saying either.

Point is, I want human beings back behind the phone when I call to bitch about how sucky my service is, they are a lot more comforting than some automated voice. Lol

Cheaters: My Version

2009-09-10T13:37:00.001-07:00

Adultery, infidelity, unfaithful or commonly known as cheating are all words used to describe the act of betraying a commitment that you have made to another. Why do people do this? Well there are several explanations but I believe honestly that no one is capable of being completely faithful to another. Because that’s not how us as humans were made. We were created to be capable of loving more than one person. I mean just think about all the people in your life that you care for and can say that you love. I mean some may argue that there are different types of love. But I disagree; I think all love is the same. It all takes the same amount of effort, time, and energy to love someone. So of course it is only natural for someone to stray when forced to focus all their love on one person in particular.
This brings me to the key factor in most cases of infidelity and that of course is SEX. Just like I do not believe that one person is capable of being faithful. I also believe that no one can possibly have sex with the same person forever. The thing about sex is that us as humans always want more and what is even more exciting is having a new partner. Its is an inconceivable thought to me that people actually believe that they can expect their partner to never imagine having sex with someone other than their significant other. I am not saying that everyone will act on their desire but trust me it is definitely a thought that will cross their mind several times over the length of your relationship, marriage, whatever!
The problem with sex is that as much as people say they want to have no strings attached sex with others. That seems to never be able to work out that well, I am pretty sure there are some cases that have succeeded. Humans are not only selfish and greedy but we are emotional which means we have feelings. When those feelings get involved in a sexual relationship, everything tends to go downhill from there.
For example, the average person is in a committed relationship with someone for 2+ years. Typically, one or both parties are pursuing an outside relationship whether it may purely be sexually or not. Eventually the person on the side becomes attached to the other and when that happens that causes said person to want ‘more’ from their already complicated situation. This puts the person in the relationship in an awkward position because although they may or may not have feelings for this other person. They never considered leaving their significant other for this person who has become such a major part of their life. This brings me to the selfishness.
The selfish person wants the best of the both worlds; they want their past and their present. This is rarely a situation that will ever work out. Someone always ends up getting affected in a not so positive way. But you have to understand if you are the person who is involved with the selfish person, that you can not honestly expect this person to ever be faithful to you. After all you became involved with this person while they were being unfaithful to someone they ‘loved’. So what do you do? Hell I don’t know that is completely up to the person. Whatever you decide to do, do not regret it because your entire life can change based upon one decision.
So the point of this..there is none…except that I don’t believe in commitment or relationships. I mean I have my reasons for my beliefs and everyone should be allowed to form their own opinion from their own experiences. So let me know how it works out for you.

Ramblings of an Adolescent Mind, Trapped inside an Adult Body

2009-09-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Lately, I seem to only attract a certain type of individual and that individual always somehow ends up being unavailable to me. By unavailable, I don’t necessarily mean that they are involved in a relationship with another person, I mean I do have some of those, but emotionally unavailable. You know the type of person who does not want to “feel” anything because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. They don’t believe they have the time to include someone else in their busy lives. So they just want to keep you on the outside, waiting for whenever they decide they want your company or time. And of course you willingly comply with their wishes because you after all the needy and all too emotionally attached to this emotionally unavailable individual.
I realize that each person is selfish in some way; it may not be a negative way. But selfish all the same, I can not speak about anyone other than myself. I am especially selfish with those in my life. I don’t know why but I am very protective and possessive of them. It’s silly I know. But true.
Breezy is the only person that I really can just sit on the phone with and say absolutely nothing too. But it’s cool because we are comfortable in our silence and we embrace each others presence over the phone, if that makes any sense to you. I guess that is what makes us best friends. We can comfort each other with silence, how many people can you say that you know can do that for you?
It’s been 7 months since I officially turned 21 years old and nothing significant has really happened. The only change is that I realize that I am getting older and older. And I am not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me. I see a lot of people around me at different stages in their lives and I always find myself wondering what will I be like when I reach their age? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be alone? All these questions fill up my head and I have no answers to them. I don’t know who I will grow up to be and what my mind set will be at any age. Will I still be me? Or will something happen one day when I turn a year older, will some miraculous change occur that will permanently alter my mind and personality and I will somehow transform into this stage of life we refer to as “adulthood”. Why does that not appeal to me?Hmmm I am drinking Blueberry Pomegranate Ice Tea??? It is actually better than it sounds. I am listening to Brian McKnight’s song, One Last Cry, it is sad. I wonder if anyone ever felt like that about me, you know gave up and moved on and stopped trying t o love me at least that is my interpretation of the song. But I could be completely wrong. I usually am about things like that. I am not very analytical or interpretive if that is even a word. If it is I am pretty sure I used it in the wrong context. I like writing and I like to express myself using as many possible words that can come to my mind. Sometimes I start off with a random thought and it turns into so much more. I have no particular subject or topic currently but I just felt like writing about something. So I did