Emotional trainwreck

I swear that I must have a chemical imbalance in my brain or something because whenever I am having a fairly good week. Something stupid or insignificant will happen to cause me to just do a complete 180. I am a very emotional person on a regular basis but sometimes it gets to the point where its like I am a walking time bomb. I feel like the littlest thing will trigger me and I will explode.

Tragedies..Travesties..and Turmoil

It seems like literally everyone in my small circle of friends including a few of my family members are experiencing some sort of misfortune. It hurts me to see anyone that I care about  have to go thru any sort of pain. I know that without struggle there can be no growth but sometimes I feel like it just gets out of hand. I wish there was more I could do to help them get through it easier but I know there is not.I've been trying to pray more often...but sometimes I wonder if I am doing it right. I know this may sound stupid but when you pray..do you speak your prayer out loud or do you say it in your head? I mean I am sure that God can hear you either way. I have done both and I guess I reserve my most serious and personal prayers to being thought versus being spoken out loud. I am working on keeping a positive outlook on life and maintain the relationships in my life. I know I can't make everyone happy but I can try to keep a positive dialogue with those closest to me.  If I haven't learned anything of value over my 24 years of life, I have learned that there is no point in bringing others down with your problems or complaining about the things that aren't going your way in life. All that will do is continue to draw a shadow over yourself and push those who care about you away. Be positive no matter what. It will benefit you in the end.

Almost Lover

Not good enough to be loved completely by you.

Social Networking Hiatus..sort of..

I call myself taking a break from Facebook and Twitter this week because I was in a pretty bad mood and some of the feelings that I have been feeling do not belong on the news feed of Facebook nor on the timeline of my followers on Twitter. Not that I have many followers or friends on either site, but nevertheless I felt I should take precautions. Some people are only interested in you or I should say interested in being nosy when you are going thru some serious issues in life.
I really don't feel like being criticized by people who one don't know and two have NO idea about what the hell I am talking about but still has the nerve to give me their opinion
I needed to vent so that is kind of how I ended up on this website. I really wish I blogged more often but sometimes I can't sit still long enough to get my thoughts together well enough to put on here. I wish I could just type with my brain that would be so cool. Lol.

You know two things I am realizing as I get older. Greed is contagious and people are thirsty for things they should not have. I need to separate myself from it. Anyways I gotta go..I am at work and I just needed a quick vent. Later..Smooches

Life as we know it

I have no words to describe how or what has passed since the last time I blogged. Pain.... is a word that comes to my mind. I am in a lot of pain. Physical and mental pain...constant. Approximately a month ago, I lost my father. I have not even accepted this as a truth yet in my mind. As I type these words, I still do not believe this to be true. However, it has happened. I went to the funeral and he was cremated. I held the ashes of what was left of him in this world in my hands. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this loss. Death is one of those things that you know is a part of life but you never know how real it is until it has touched your life. I havent stopped living . I continue to wake up every morning, eat meals, go to work, shower, and even breathe. I live my life as if everything is normal. Its the only way I know how. Breaking down is not an option but I feel like its the only option at times. I am pretending to be okay but inside I am battling this ocean of emotions that are preparing to burst out of me and set siege to everything around me. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on with my life or go to church build my relationship with God.. I have no answers for them for they have no idea what I feel or nor can they ever understand. He was my teacher, my role model, and my friend. Now I have nothing. And I feel empty. I miss you so much, dad. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I dont want to be haunted by your memory because I can't accept your death. Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing. I love you. Now and forever.

Just A Girl

Just a girl...just an ordinary girl. Yeah, thats me. I haven't blogged in months. Mostly due to the fact that I did not have a reliable internet connection. But thankfully I do now and I also had forgotten what my gmail password was for quite a while. Luckily, I hacked back into my own account. So everything worked out somehow.

Life. I've been working for this company, that I am going to leave nameless, for the past six months. It has been the most trying experience of my life. I have never worked for a company that is so painfully unorganized and dysfunctional. It is maddening at times but somehow Ive held on to my sanity and havent quit or gotten fired...yet. I am still living with my brother which is also becoming tiresome and painful. If all works out as I planned, I will be moving into my own apartment in the beginning of March. Pray for me. This move will be a significant moment in the history of my life.

It will be a moment of definition and clarity for me and it will dictate my future thereafter. Family is good. No one is sick or dying. Friends are still around and still loving me and taking care of my emotional needs. Love Life... Blah..Lol. I dont know. I am not sure if I believe in love anymore. Everyone I seem to feel this emotion called love for turns into something that isnt what it appeared to be from the beginning or just something out of my reach. Unattainable by any means and that is the worst kind of love to have. I still havent went back to school yet. Due to my own lack of drive, but I've been thinking about it more and more. And I do believe I will finally suck it up and finish and get my BS in Accounting. It is one topic that I find enjoyable and can stomach. Hopefully, school will settle well with me and not make me sick with anxiety and overwhelm me.

Bed is calling me. I have an early morning and a long day. So I will leave you with this.... give only to those who give back and dream outside of the lines. Good night.

Heartbroken...

U broke my heart. Now I have to pick up the pieces. Thanks.

Lately

I haven't really gotten a chance to blog lately. I was having technical difficulties with my internet connection and the one I have right now is pretty shaky. Unfortunately, even though I have not been blogging. Life has continued moving and a lot of not so good and good things have occurred. But I am not going to get into any of that presently. This was just a quick entry to let my readers (whoever you may be) know that I am still here. I will be adding new entries as soon as my brain sorts them out. I look forward to reading comments....Ciao!

Take that

Sitting alone allowing the silence to envelop me.
I can't let anyone see me sitting here so silently.
The fear od being found out is so intensely frightening.
The truth of being me isnt always easy.
I can't always be honest not even with myself.
Because when I do what I see is scary and
hardly the person I want to be
Light is replaced with darkness
so black so complete
nothing can be seen beyond it
emotion is no longer felt
and pain can't be expressed

Brick by Boring Brick

Anger courses through me like a runaway train,
I cant identify the source of my furiousity,
but whatever it is impairing my ability to see
or feel anything clearly
i just want to scream but
when i open my mouth nothing comes out
and no one can hear me
music blasts in my ears
no one can tell from my blank stare
that I am in a completely different place
somewhere i can't be touched
awakening from my musical fantasy
is the worst possible agony
my one moment of sanity
stripped away and now back to my insanity
the truth is living is worse than dying
in death you feel no more pain
no longer are you controlled by your brain
I feel that my mentality is challenged by my insanity
but i dont feel like i can be free

Failure

I feel like a failure. I never try. I don't try things because I am afraid to fail and I know that I will fail. I know that is not a good attitude to have but it has been mine for so long. It's hard for me to accept anything else. I just feel like what's the point of doing anything.
I have job interview at Sheppard Pratt hospital in the morning. That I probably will end up not showing up for, why? Because its too hard. I am not going to get the job so why even try??

No one understands my thought patterns. No one understand me.

I just need a break. I need a break from my insanity. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and a normal mindframe.

I don't want to be me....

Anyone but me.

Relationships..

What are the point of relationships in life? A relationship is supposed to be an emotional connection between you and another person. Right? Then why do they tend to be so stressful and annoying? Is it really worth all the effort and time you put into them? It seems to me no matter what relationship you are in, there is a percentage of time where you and that other person will be in some sort of conflict or argument. This time period is liable to drive one or both people out of their minds. Its true that you have some type of affection and feelings for this person. But during that period all of that emotion for that person goes out the window. You get to the point where you just want to strangle the life out of the person.

I mean you would never actually do this but you definitely consider it for a few moments. I guess what I am getting at is in any relationship,the moments of happiness are so few and far apart, you begin to wonder. If something is going to cause you more pain and grief than happiness. Why do we put up with it?

Who knows?

No One is Perfect...

I know I am not perfect and I have never considered myself to be so, but what really irritates me are self righteous, narrow minded, arrogant individuals. I hate people who feel they have the right to judge others when they have no idea who that person is or what they have been through. I just think in the times we are living in now, no one can be too judgmental. We live in an age where you are FREE to be whoever or whatever you want to be.

So who are you to tell anyone what is right or wrong. Who has that power except maybe other than GOD.

I think those who let themselves be misled by their own small mindedness. they will never enjoy the beautiful significant things in life. And life is way to short to let pass you by.

Your Letter-112

"It said you loved me but you didn't know the words to say,
It said you never knew that you could ever feel this way"

Yeah, that is how I am feeling right now. I took it back to 112. Recently, I have found myself fascinated with a lot of great dead 'legends'. It is amazing how many truly talented individuals have died this year alone, leaving the mark on the world forever imprinted. Michael Jackson being one of the most recent notable people to have passed on. I remember when I first heard the news of Mr. Jackson's death. I didn't know how I felt, I was sad. But I think I was in shock for a few day until I saw everything on television. Then and only then did I realize he was really gone.

I cried for hours watching videos of him and listening to interviews. Michael Jackson was 30 years older than I am now and probably has experienced so many incredible things in his life. I knew about him but I never KNEW about him. If you know what I mean, I feel like I deprived myself of the most precious knowledge and experience by not letting myself explore who Michael Jackson truly was and forever will be.

He was a person who loved people so much and all he wanted was to do what he loved. I know that I never knew Michael Jackson and he had absolutely no idea who I am. I just wish I could of reached out and helped him. I know that sounds crazy because I have no idea what I could possibly do to help him. But I just felt the strongest desire to help,,,to guide him. I feel like the people in his life didn't help him the way he needed to be helped.

I find solace in the knowledge that now that Michael has passed on that no one can bother him anymore. No one can follow him everywhere he goes and he can sing and dance and do what he loved to do for eternity. I hope there is a life after death for Michael because he deserves it more than anyone else. He can finally have a normal life, free from ridicule and criticism and pain. That is my one wish for him. May he rest in peace and live forever in our minds and hearts.

Sunshine

Sunshine, you've come into my life at the right time.
Your warmth courses throughout my body
you touch my soul with your words and fill my heart with so much happiness
I never thought I could feel this way
you always know the right words to say
to make all my sadness go away
I think God made you just for me
to always shine light in my darkness
so i can see
Giving me strength when I am weak
Holding me close when life seems bleak
O sunshine, please keep shining on me
you are the center of my small world
your a daily inspiration for me to be my best
unlike the rest, you always supporting me
however long my time on this earth may be
Know this my
sunshine, i will love you constantly

Leave Me Alone....

Do you think its possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I don't. I believe it is definitely possible to love two people at the same time, but you can only be IN love with one person at a time. So if you find yourself in that situation, you are probably aware of who each person is whether your willing to admit it or not.
Currently, I have no idea who I am in that category. I am loved. But I don't know if anyone is in love with me.

Time will tell. People change. Rain falls. Sun shines. Life goes on.

Finding Balance

I feel like my moods have been fluctuating dramatically lately. One day I will feel completely upbeat and happy then literally the following day I will feel the complete opposite. I don't know why that is as far as I know I have no medical reason to be feeling this way. I personally think my problem is that I think way too much about things and let myself dwell on the things in my life I can't do anything to change.

I worry a lot. About everyone. Friends, family, random strangers. and I find myself being morbid. Thinking about death and how much time I have left on the earth. I know that is a part of life but I know its not something you should sit and dwell on either. So I have been trying to find some type of balance. That way I can deal better with my topsy turvy emotional rollercoaster and not be so blah some days. I know my moods effect the people around me as well as my goals I set for myself that day.

I am trying to be more positive and instead of concentrating so hard on the future and things I can't change immediately. I am taking it day by day, setting daily goals for myself. And when I accomplish them I feel a lot better about myself. I feel empowered and strong. I know I am capable of anything. I just need to keep thinking that way and I will be successful.

Weekend..

I am going to reflect on my weekend. My old best friend from Hagerstown came to visit me. At first, I was kind of dreading her visit because we haven't really hung out in a long time. And have drifted apart. I mean we are living completely different lives. She is married and has one child while I am single and still act like a child (lol). But I realize that although her life is different, we still have some of the same insecurities and fears about life. It was refreshing to spend time with someone who i thought had changed so much to only see that things were still somewhat the same.

This has shown me no matter how much time, distance, life experience has passed by. People are still the same at the core. I mean you age and you go through tough times but your essence is still intact. Ha ha I am not sure that makes sense. It does to me though.

Well I had a pretty good weeekend. It was the first time in a long time, I didnt worry about anything or anyone. I put my issues and dramas aside and had a relaxing time. It was great.

Scattered Thoughts

Have you ever found yourself lost in thought? You know that your searching for something but it's like you just can't figure it out. I know its there but I just can't reach it yet. And you know how something makes perfect sense to you but to someone else it makes no sense at all....Yeah that's where I'm at right now, still at the drawing board.

My imperfections are so clear to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is that clear for others to see. I know that God made me. But for what purpose? I ask myself that question a lot lately. Spend hours upon hours thinking of reasons why. I can never find one to my satisfaction. I know I can make it to success. Sometimes it seems so difficult and unattainable. I refuse to fail but failure may be in my nature. How can you change something your not sure you are? That doesn't make sense to even me. So I know you don't understand my complexity. I am speaking in rhyme and yet I am not. Someone please save me.

Family.

I love my family, they are the most random group of people to be put together on this planet. But I am blessed to be apart of this group of people. I feel so defined by them, it is crazy. Everything I have ever done, I have done in the shadow of my family. I am not going to say that I always did things they were proud of but who ever does?
I know one thing for sure that I would die for any member of my family. I would give my all to them. I would never take them forgranted or forsake them. My love for them is one of the only things in my life that I feel is sacred and pure.