Failure

I feel like a failure. I never try. I don't try things because I am afraid to fail and I know that I will fail. I know that is not a good attitude to have but it has been mine for so long. It's hard for me to accept anything else. I just feel like what's the point of doing anything.
I have job interview at Sheppard Pratt hospital in the morning. That I probably will end up not showing up for, why? Because its too hard. I am not going to get the job so why even try??

No one understands my thought patterns. No one understand me.

I just need a break. I need a break from my insanity. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and a normal mindframe.

I don't want to be me....

Anyone but me.

Relationships..

What are the point of relationships in life? A relationship is supposed to be an emotional connection between you and another person. Right? Then why do they tend to be so stressful and annoying? Is it really worth all the effort and time you put into them? It seems to me no matter what relationship you are in, there is a percentage of time where you and that other person will be in some sort of conflict or argument. This time period is liable to drive one or both people out of their minds. Its true that you have some type of affection and feelings for this person. But during that period all of that emotion for that person goes out the window. You get to the point where you just want to strangle the life out of the person.

I mean you would never actually do this but you definitely consider it for a few moments. I guess what I am getting at is in any relationship,the moments of happiness are so few and far apart, you begin to wonder. If something is going to cause you more pain and grief than happiness. Why do we put up with it?

Who knows?

No One is Perfect...

I know I am not perfect and I have never considered myself to be so, but what really irritates me are self righteous, narrow minded, arrogant individuals. I hate people who feel they have the right to judge others when they have no idea who that person is or what they have been through. I just think in the times we are living in now, no one can be too judgmental. We live in an age where you are FREE to be whoever or whatever you want to be.

So who are you to tell anyone what is right or wrong. Who has that power except maybe other than GOD.

I think those who let themselves be misled by their own small mindedness. they will never enjoy the beautiful significant things in life. And life is way to short to let pass you by.

Your Letter-112

"It said you loved me but you didn't know the words to say,
It said you never knew that you could ever feel this way"

Yeah, that is how I am feeling right now. I took it back to 112. Recently, I have found myself fascinated with a lot of great dead 'legends'. It is amazing how many truly talented individuals have died this year alone, leaving the mark on the world forever imprinted. Michael Jackson being one of the most recent notable people to have passed on. I remember when I first heard the news of Mr. Jackson's death. I didn't know how I felt, I was sad. But I think I was in shock for a few day until I saw everything on television. Then and only then did I realize he was really gone.

I cried for hours watching videos of him and listening to interviews. Michael Jackson was 30 years older than I am now and probably has experienced so many incredible things in his life. I knew about him but I never KNEW about him. If you know what I mean, I feel like I deprived myself of the most precious knowledge and experience by not letting myself explore who Michael Jackson truly was and forever will be.

He was a person who loved people so much and all he wanted was to do what he loved. I know that I never knew Michael Jackson and he had absolutely no idea who I am. I just wish I could of reached out and helped him. I know that sounds crazy because I have no idea what I could possibly do to help him. But I just felt the strongest desire to help,,,to guide him. I feel like the people in his life didn't help him the way he needed to be helped.

I find solace in the knowledge that now that Michael has passed on that no one can bother him anymore. No one can follow him everywhere he goes and he can sing and dance and do what he loved to do for eternity. I hope there is a life after death for Michael because he deserves it more than anyone else. He can finally have a normal life, free from ridicule and criticism and pain. That is my one wish for him. May he rest in peace and live forever in our minds and hearts.

Sunshine

Sunshine, you've come into my life at the right time.
Your warmth courses throughout my body
you touch my soul with your words and fill my heart with so much happiness
I never thought I could feel this way
you always know the right words to say
to make all my sadness go away
I think God made you just for me
to always shine light in my darkness
so i can see
Giving me strength when I am weak
Holding me close when life seems bleak
O sunshine, please keep shining on me
you are the center of my small world
your a daily inspiration for me to be my best
unlike the rest, you always supporting me
however long my time on this earth may be
Know this my
sunshine, i will love you constantly

Leave Me Alone....

Do you think its possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I don't. I believe it is definitely possible to love two people at the same time, but you can only be IN love with one person at a time. So if you find yourself in that situation, you are probably aware of who each person is whether your willing to admit it or not.
Currently, I have no idea who I am in that category. I am loved. But I don't know if anyone is in love with me.

Time will tell. People change. Rain falls. Sun shines. Life goes on.

Finding Balance

I feel like my moods have been fluctuating dramatically lately. One day I will feel completely upbeat and happy then literally the following day I will feel the complete opposite. I don't know why that is as far as I know I have no medical reason to be feeling this way. I personally think my problem is that I think way too much about things and let myself dwell on the things in my life I can't do anything to change.

I worry a lot. About everyone. Friends, family, random strangers. and I find myself being morbid. Thinking about death and how much time I have left on the earth. I know that is a part of life but I know its not something you should sit and dwell on either. So I have been trying to find some type of balance. That way I can deal better with my topsy turvy emotional rollercoaster and not be so blah some days. I know my moods effect the people around me as well as my goals I set for myself that day.

I am trying to be more positive and instead of concentrating so hard on the future and things I can't change immediately. I am taking it day by day, setting daily goals for myself. And when I accomplish them I feel a lot better about myself. I feel empowered and strong. I know I am capable of anything. I just need to keep thinking that way and I will be successful.