Life as we know it

I have no words to describe how or what has passed since the last time I blogged. Pain.... is a word that comes to my mind. I am in a lot of pain. Physical and mental pain...constant. Approximately a month ago, I lost my father. I have not even accepted this as a truth yet in my mind. As I type these words, I still do not believe this to be true. However, it has happened. I went to the funeral and he was cremated. I held the ashes of what was left of him in this world in my hands. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this loss. Death is one of those things that you know is a part of life but you never know how real it is until it has touched your life. I havent stopped living . I continue to wake up every morning, eat meals, go to work, shower, and even breathe. I live my life as if everything is normal. Its the only way I know how. Breaking down is not an option but I feel like its the only option at times. I am pretending to be okay but inside I am battling this ocean of emotions that are preparing to burst out of me and set siege to everything around me. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on with my life or go to church build my relationship with God.. I have no answers for them for they have no idea what I feel or nor can they ever understand. He was my teacher, my role model, and my friend. Now I have nothing. And I feel empty. I miss you so much, dad. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I dont want to be haunted by your memory because I can't accept your death. Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing. I love you. Now and forever.