Friday, September 25, 2009

Self Destruction

I am on a self destructive path and I can feel it coming closer to the point where I completely destroy my abilitty to fucking care about any other being. i feel like I am a fairly decent person and I deserve a certain quality of shit out of life. But it seems like I keep getting into these fucked up situations where I find my heart on a fucking cutting board and I am not the one holding the fucking knife. I don't know whats going to happen to me but I feel so fucking angry right now and I just want to scream and rant and rave. But what will it solve? What will it change? Not a damn thing... I should just stop while I still have some remnants of control over myself. But its so hard, how the fuck can I continue on this path.....

I am about to just say fuck it...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Random Poetry

Close your eyes
tell me what you see
can you see me
because I see you
staring into my soul
filling the emptiness
making me whole
erasing the sadness
caused by the world
so many hurts & pains
can I make it rain

Some may think this is a simple love poem
but it is a declaration of my love for you
no longer does my heart have to roam
for I've found my match and its true
you have a smile that is unforgettable
I knew falling in love with you was inevitable
for years we've danced around the issue
till the day I finally had the nerve to kiss you
lips touching mine causing a disruption
of something we can not function

THis is just some stuff I started to write and never finished. Enjoy.

Monday, September 14, 2009


I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream but everytime I open my mouth, no sound comes out. I feel my heart about to burst and it seems like no one else can see it except me. I don't know why things can't be the way I want them to be. All she had to do was love me and be with me. Is that so hard? Apparently so, I try to put myself in her shoes, but I can't because I do not understand why anyone would want to be in that type of relationship. Why does she even need me, if she is so happy? I don't believe that if things were better that our relationship would of ever happened. Liessssssss, I hate lies. I just would much rather hear the truth even if it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.
I just want this to stop hurting me and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper. I am so alone and I shouldn't feel alone. I shouldn't be crying so often. i should be more happy. I am happy until I think about it. I wish I didnt need her to be there. I wish I didnt need her at all. Needing someone is one of the worse possible things that could happen to you. Its like being an addict, you can't get enough and its a burning feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your need gets so intense that it starts to cause you physical discomfort. You can't do anything to subside the pain. Your weak and helpless. How can someone have so complete and utter control over another? I just want it to end but I can't let go......I just can't.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Isn't it Ironic?

It is absolutely without a doubt ironic. It seems to always work that way in life. You wait all your life to meet the love of your life or get the career of your life or have the biggest adventure of your life. It all ends up being one big disappointment. I speak from personal experience of course, that is all I can really speak from I guess. But I met the most beautiful, sweet, and loving person this past year. There were so many things wrong about the entire situation surrounding this person, it was crazy. Nevertheless, I was in love..head over heels in love. I don't know why I tortured myself by even allowing myselt to continue to grow closer to someone I know in my heart that I can never be with. I can never have a future with but yet I kept on spending time and making memories with this amazing person.

side note*** I hate my freaking phone, it just blacked out and probably erased all my shit in my phone...ughhhh

I can't even continue my thought. This will have to be continued at a later date. Cheers!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Death to Automated Services.

I am not going to say I hate Tmobile. They have provided me with adequate phone service for the past two years and I am grateful. I am definitely a phone person and I do not know what I would do if I didn't have a cell phone. But T-mobile customer service??? Well I haven't had the best experiences dealing with them. My contract is up on September 15th 2009 which means I have the option of severing all ties with T-mobile and moving elsewhere. Or I can upgrade to a newer phone at a discounted price in exchange for extending my contract for two additional years.
Here is my problem with that, there are times when I am sitting in my house not underground or somewhere in the country with no telephone wires. But in my bedroom, located near lots of buildings, streets, and hopefully T-mobile towers. I will be sitting on my bed and have absolutely no service. I mean its not for a long time but the short span of time I am out of range or whatever become annoying. I don't think that should happen when you are in your home.
So then when you call to speak to a customer service representative, you have to jump through flaming hoops just to speak to a real person. Seriously, then the person you do get in contact with can't even speak proper English. Look, don't get me wrong I have nothing wrong with outsourcing or whatever it is called. But if your going to hire people from foreign countries to handle people's inquiries. then pleaaaaaaseee let them speak clear and fluent English because I hate asking people to repeat themselves over and over. I am pretty sure that the customer service representative doesn't like repeating what they have been saying either.

Point is, I want human beings back behind the phone when I call to bitch about how sucky my service is, they are a lot more comforting than some automated voice. Lol

Cheaters: My Version

Adultery, infidelity, unfaithful or commonly known as cheating are all words used to describe the act of betraying a commitment that you have made to another. Why do people do this? Well there are several explanations but I believe honestly that no one is capable of being completely faithful to another. Because that’s not how us as humans were made. We were created to be capable of loving more than one person. I mean just think about all the people in your life that you care for and can say that you love. I mean some may argue that there are different types of love. But I disagree; I think all love is the same. It all takes the same amount of effort, time, and energy to love someone. So of course it is only natural for someone to stray when forced to focus all their love on one person in particular.
This brings me to the key factor in most cases of infidelity and that of course is SEX. Just like I do not believe that one person is capable of being faithful. I also believe that no one can possibly have sex with the same person forever. The thing about sex is that us as humans always want more and what is even more exciting is having a new partner. Its is an inconceivable thought to me that people actually believe that they can expect their partner to never imagine having sex with someone other than their significant other. I am not saying that everyone will act on their desire but trust me it is definitely a thought that will cross their mind several times over the length of your relationship, marriage, whatever!
The problem with sex is that as much as people say they want to have no strings attached sex with others. That seems to never be able to work out that well, I am pretty sure there are some cases that have succeeded. Humans are not only selfish and greedy but we are emotional which means we have feelings. When those feelings get involved in a sexual relationship, everything tends to go downhill from there.
For example, the average person is in a committed relationship with someone for 2+ years. Typically, one or both parties are pursuing an outside relationship whether it may purely be sexually or not. Eventually the person on the side becomes attached to the other and when that happens that causes said person to want ‘more’ from their already complicated situation. This puts the person in the relationship in an awkward position because although they may or may not have feelings for this other person. They never considered leaving their significant other for this person who has become such a major part of their life. This brings me to the selfishness.
The selfish person wants the best of the both worlds; they want their past and their present. This is rarely a situation that will ever work out. Someone always ends up getting affected in a not so positive way. But you have to understand if you are the person who is involved with the selfish person, that you can not honestly expect this person to ever be faithful to you. After all you became involved with this person while they were being unfaithful to someone they ‘loved’. So what do you do? Hell I don’t know that is completely up to the person. Whatever you decide to do, do not regret it because your entire life can change based upon one decision.
So the point of this..there is none…except that I don’t believe in commitment or relationships. I mean I have my reasons for my beliefs and everyone should be allowed to form their own opinion from their own experiences. So let me know how it works out for you.

Ramblings of an Adolescent Mind, Trapped inside an Adult Body

Lately, I seem to only attract a certain type of individual and that individual always somehow ends up being unavailable to me. By unavailable, I don’t necessarily mean that they are involved in a relationship with another person, I mean I do have some of those, but emotionally unavailable. You know the type of person who does not want to “feel” anything because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. They don’t believe they have the time to include someone else in their busy lives. So they just want to keep you on the outside, waiting for whenever they decide they want your company or time. And of course you willingly comply with their wishes because you after all the needy and all too emotionally attached to this emotionally unavailable individual.
I realize that each person is selfish in some way; it may not be a negative way. But selfish all the same, I can not speak about anyone other than myself. I am especially selfish with those in my life. I don’t know why but I am very protective and possessive of them. It’s silly I know. But true.
Breezy is the only person that I really can just sit on the phone with and say absolutely nothing too. But it’s cool because we are comfortable in our silence and we embrace each others presence over the phone, if that makes any sense to you. I guess that is what makes us best friends. We can comfort each other with silence, how many people can you say that you know can do that for you?
It’s been 7 months since I officially turned 21 years old and nothing significant has really happened. The only change is that I realize that I am getting older and older. And I am not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me. I see a lot of people around me at different stages in their lives and I always find myself wondering what will I be like when I reach their age? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be alone? All these questions fill up my head and I have no answers to them. I don’t know who I will grow up to be and what my mind set will be at any age. Will I still be me? Or will something happen one day when I turn a year older, will some miraculous change occur that will permanently alter my mind and personality and I will somehow transform into this stage of life we refer to as “adulthood”. Why does that not appeal to me?Hmmm I am drinking Blueberry Pomegranate Ice Tea??? It is actually better than it sounds. I am listening to Brian McKnight’s song, One Last Cry, it is sad. I wonder if anyone ever felt like that about me, you know gave up and moved on and stopped trying t o love me at least that is my interpretation of the song. But I could be completely wrong. I usually am about things like that. I am not very analytical or interpretive if that is even a word. If it is I am pretty sure I used it in the wrong context. I like writing and I like to express myself using as many possible words that can come to my mind. Sometimes I start off with a random thought and it turns into so much more. I have no particular subject or topic currently but I just felt like writing about something. So I did