Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ramblings of an Adolescent Mind, Trapped inside an Adult Body

Lately, I seem to only attract a certain type of individual and that individual always somehow ends up being unavailable to me. By unavailable, I don’t necessarily mean that they are involved in a relationship with another person, I mean I do have some of those, but emotionally unavailable. You know the type of person who does not want to “feel” anything because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. They don’t believe they have the time to include someone else in their busy lives. So they just want to keep you on the outside, waiting for whenever they decide they want your company or time. And of course you willingly comply with their wishes because you after all the needy and all too emotionally attached to this emotionally unavailable individual.
I realize that each person is selfish in some way; it may not be a negative way. But selfish all the same, I can not speak about anyone other than myself. I am especially selfish with those in my life. I don’t know why but I am very protective and possessive of them. It’s silly I know. But true.
Breezy is the only person that I really can just sit on the phone with and say absolutely nothing too. But it’s cool because we are comfortable in our silence and we embrace each others presence over the phone, if that makes any sense to you. I guess that is what makes us best friends. We can comfort each other with silence, how many people can you say that you know can do that for you?
It’s been 7 months since I officially turned 21 years old and nothing significant has really happened. The only change is that I realize that I am getting older and older. And I am not going to lie, it scares the shit out of me. I see a lot of people around me at different stages in their lives and I always find myself wondering what will I be like when I reach their age? Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be alone? All these questions fill up my head and I have no answers to them. I don’t know who I will grow up to be and what my mind set will be at any age. Will I still be me? Or will something happen one day when I turn a year older, will some miraculous change occur that will permanently alter my mind and personality and I will somehow transform into this stage of life we refer to as “adulthood”. Why does that not appeal to me?Hmmm I am drinking Blueberry Pomegranate Ice Tea??? It is actually better than it sounds. I am listening to Brian McKnight’s song, One Last Cry, it is sad. I wonder if anyone ever felt like that about me, you know gave up and moved on and stopped trying t o love me at least that is my interpretation of the song. But I could be completely wrong. I usually am about things like that. I am not very analytical or interpretive if that is even a word. If it is I am pretty sure I used it in the wrong context. I like writing and I like to express myself using as many possible words that can come to my mind. Sometimes I start off with a random thought and it turns into so much more. I have no particular subject or topic currently but I just felt like writing about something. So I did

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