Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Emotional trainwreck

I swear that I must have a chemical imbalance in my brain or something because whenever I am having a fairly good week. Something stupid or insignificant will happen to cause me to just do a complete 180. I am a very emotional person on a regular basis but sometimes it gets to the point where its like I am a walking time bomb. I feel like the littlest thing will trigger me and I will explode.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tragedies..Travesties..and Turmoil

It seems like literally everyone in my small circle of friends including a few of my family members are experiencing some sort of misfortune. It hurts me to see anyone that I care about  have to go thru any sort of pain. I know that without struggle there can be no growth but sometimes I feel like it just gets out of hand. I wish there was more I could do to help them get through it easier but I know there is not.I've been trying to pray more often...but sometimes I wonder if I am doing it right. I know this may sound stupid but when you pray..do you speak your prayer out loud or do you say it in your head? I mean I am sure that God can hear you either way. I have done both and I guess I reserve my most serious and personal prayers to being thought versus being spoken out loud. I am working on keeping a positive outlook on life and maintain the relationships in my life. I know I can't make everyone happy but I can try to keep a positive dialogue with those closest to me.  If I haven't learned anything of value over my 24 years of life, I have learned that there is no point in bringing others down with your problems or complaining about the things that aren't going your way in life. All that will do is continue to draw a shadow over yourself and push those who care about you away. Be positive no matter what. It will benefit you in the end.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Almost Lover

Not good enough to be loved completely by you.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Social Networking Hiatus..sort of..

I call myself taking a break from Facebook and Twitter this week because I was in a pretty bad mood and some of the feelings that I have been feeling do not belong on the news feed of Facebook nor on the timeline of my followers on Twitter. Not that I have many followers or friends on either site, but nevertheless I felt I should take precautions. Some people are only interested in you or I should say interested in being nosy when you are going thru some serious issues in life.
I really don't feel like being criticized by people who one don't know and two have NO idea about what the hell I am talking about but still has the nerve to give me their opinion
I needed to vent so that is kind of how I ended up on this website. I really wish I blogged more often but sometimes I can't sit still long enough to get my thoughts together well enough to put on here. I wish I could just type with my brain that would be so cool. Lol.

You know two things I am realizing as I get older. Greed is contagious and people are thirsty for things they should not have. I need to separate myself from it. Anyways I gotta go..I am at work and I just needed a quick vent. Later..Smooches

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life as we know it

I have no words to describe how or what has passed since the last time I blogged. Pain.... is a word that comes to my mind. I am in a lot of pain. Physical and mental pain...constant. Approximately a month ago, I lost my father. I have not even accepted this as a truth yet in my mind. As I type these words, I still do not believe this to be true. However, it has happened. I went to the funeral and he was cremated. I held the ashes of what was left of him in this world in my hands. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this loss. Death is one of those things that you know is a part of life but you never know how real it is until it has touched your life. I havent stopped living . I continue to wake up every morning, eat meals, go to work, shower, and even breathe. I live my life as if everything is normal. Its the only way I know how. Breaking down is not an option but I feel like its the only option at times. I am pretending to be okay but inside I am battling this ocean of emotions that are preparing to burst out of me and set siege to everything around me. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to move on with my life or go to church build my relationship with God.. I have no answers for them for they have no idea what I feel or nor can they ever understand. He was my teacher, my role model, and my friend. Now I have nothing. And I feel empty. I miss you so much, dad. I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I dont want to be haunted by your memory because I can't accept your death. Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing. I love you. Now and forever.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Just A Girl

Just a girl...just an ordinary girl. Yeah, thats me. I haven't blogged in months. Mostly due to the fact that I did not have a reliable internet connection. But thankfully I do now and I also had forgotten what my gmail password was for quite a while. Luckily, I hacked back into my own account. So everything worked out somehow.
Life. I've been working for this company, that I am going to leave nameless, for the past six months. It has been the most trying experience of my life. I have never worked for a company that is so painfully unorganized and dysfunctional. It is maddening at times but somehow Ive held on to my sanity and havent quit or gotten fired...yet. I am still living with my brother which is also becoming tiresome and painful. If all works out as I planned, I will be moving into my own apartment in the beginning of March. Pray for me. This move will be a significant moment in the history of my life.
It will be a moment of definition and clarity for me and it will dictate my future thereafter. Family is good. No one is sick or dying. Friends are still around and still loving me and taking care of my emotional needs. Love Life... Blah..Lol. I dont know. I am not sure if I believe in love anymore. Everyone I seem to feel this emotion called love for turns into something that isnt what it appeared to be from the beginning or just something out of my reach. Unattainable by any means and that is the worst kind of love to have. I still havent went back to school yet. Due to my own lack of drive, but I've been thinking about it more and more. And I do believe I will finally suck it up and finish and get my BS in Accounting. It is one topic that I find enjoyable and can stomach. Hopefully, school will settle well with me and not make me sick with anxiety and overwhelm me.
Bed is calling me. I have an early morning and a long day. So I will leave you with this.... give only to those who give back and dream outside of the lines. Good night.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


U broke my heart. Now I have to pick up the pieces. Thanks.