Just A Girl

Just a girl...just an ordinary girl. Yeah, thats me. I haven't blogged in months. Mostly due to the fact that I did not have a reliable internet connection. But thankfully I do now and I also had forgotten what my gmail password was for quite a while. Luckily, I hacked back into my own account. So everything worked out somehow.

Life. I've been working for this company, that I am going to leave nameless, for the past six months. It has been the most trying experience of my life. I have never worked for a company that is so painfully unorganized and dysfunctional. It is maddening at times but somehow Ive held on to my sanity and havent quit or gotten fired...yet. I am still living with my brother which is also becoming tiresome and painful. If all works out as I planned, I will be moving into my own apartment in the beginning of March. Pray for me. This move will be a significant moment in the history of my life.

It will be a moment of definition and clarity for me and it will dictate my future thereafter. Family is good. No one is sick or dying. Friends are still around and still loving me and taking care of my emotional needs. Love Life... Blah..Lol. I dont know. I am not sure if I believe in love anymore. Everyone I seem to feel this emotion called love for turns into something that isnt what it appeared to be from the beginning or just something out of my reach. Unattainable by any means and that is the worst kind of love to have. I still havent went back to school yet. Due to my own lack of drive, but I've been thinking about it more and more. And I do believe I will finally suck it up and finish and get my BS in Accounting. It is one topic that I find enjoyable and can stomach. Hopefully, school will settle well with me and not make me sick with anxiety and overwhelm me.

Bed is calling me. I have an early morning and a long day. So I will leave you with this.... give only to those who give back and dream outside of the lines. Good night.

Heartbroken...

U broke my heart. Now I have to pick up the pieces. Thanks.

Lately

I haven't really gotten a chance to blog lately. I was having technical difficulties with my internet connection and the one I have right now is pretty shaky. Unfortunately, even though I have not been blogging. Life has continued moving and a lot of not so good and good things have occurred. But I am not going to get into any of that presently. This was just a quick entry to let my readers (whoever you may be) know that I am still here. I will be adding new entries as soon as my brain sorts them out. I look forward to reading comments....Ciao!

Take that

Sitting alone allowing the silence to envelop me.
I can't let anyone see me sitting here so silently.
The fear od being found out is so intensely frightening.
The truth of being me isnt always easy.
I can't always be honest not even with myself.
Because when I do what I see is scary and
hardly the person I want to be
Light is replaced with darkness
so black so complete
nothing can be seen beyond it
emotion is no longer felt
and pain can't be expressed

Brick by Boring Brick

Anger courses through me like a runaway train,
I cant identify the source of my furiousity,
but whatever it is impairing my ability to see
or feel anything clearly
i just want to scream but
when i open my mouth nothing comes out
and no one can hear me
music blasts in my ears
no one can tell from my blank stare
that I am in a completely different place
somewhere i can't be touched
awakening from my musical fantasy
is the worst possible agony
my one moment of sanity
stripped away and now back to my insanity
the truth is living is worse than dying
in death you feel no more pain
no longer are you controlled by your brain
I feel that my mentality is challenged by my insanity
but i dont feel like i can be free

Failure

I feel like a failure. I never try. I don't try things because I am afraid to fail and I know that I will fail. I know that is not a good attitude to have but it has been mine for so long. It's hard for me to accept anything else. I just feel like what's the point of doing anything.
I have job interview at Sheppard Pratt hospital in the morning. That I probably will end up not showing up for, why? Because its too hard. I am not going to get the job so why even try??

No one understands my thought patterns. No one understand me.

I just need a break. I need a break from my insanity. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and a normal mindframe.

I don't want to be me....

Anyone but me.

Relationships..

What are the point of relationships in life? A relationship is supposed to be an emotional connection between you and another person. Right? Then why do they tend to be so stressful and annoying? Is it really worth all the effort and time you put into them? It seems to me no matter what relationship you are in, there is a percentage of time where you and that other person will be in some sort of conflict or argument. This time period is liable to drive one or both people out of their minds. Its true that you have some type of affection and feelings for this person. But during that period all of that emotion for that person goes out the window. You get to the point where you just want to strangle the life out of the person.

I mean you would never actually do this but you definitely consider it for a few moments. I guess what I am getting at is in any relationship,the moments of happiness are so few and far apart, you begin to wonder. If something is going to cause you more pain and grief than happiness. Why do we put up with it?

Who knows?